Links and information that help fathers become better fathers
Forming A Lifelong Bond
"Congratulations! It's a boy!" "We have a healthy baby girl!" As a new father, these words and the sights and sounds that go with them are still fresh in your mind. It was one of the happiest, proudest days of your life.
But truth be told, there was more than just a baby born that day. A father was also born. And whether it's a biological child or an adopted child, that first meeting birthed an entirely new perspective, and the world will never look the same.
How can we describe it? It's a drama and often a comedy of magnificent proportions. First, you have the baby: a little bundle of humanity who mostly drools, poops, and cries. She'll grow and change and make you proud in so many wonderful ways.
And then there's you, the father. Once steady and straight-thinking, you became a bug-eyed, video camera-toting, back-slapping fool. You feel bigger, older, and more powerfuland it's exhilarating. You're charged with enthusiasm.
One of the most constructive ways to channel your enthusiasm during these early years is to form your dreams and aspirations into specific goals and commitments. Now is the time to decide: "I will make fathering a priority in life."
LEARN TO HANDLE EMOTIONS
Our emotions are close to the surface as new fathers. We men, wrapped up in logic and action, have a chance to experience the emotional side of life and lay the groundwork for a lifetime of intimacy with our children. And now is the best time to start. Too many men, having assumed that babies are a mother's domain, miss that window of opportunity and never learn to appropriately express to their children what is in their hearts.
There's lots of pride and enthusiasm during those early years, but there are so many negatives that may surprise you: Jealousy / Feeling Left Out. Through pregnancy and now motherhood, your wife has a deep connection with the child that you can never quite understand. You may feel jealous of the baby, who's getting your wife's best energy and attention.
You may feel jealous of your wife, who typically knows more about what the child needs and more or less "calls the shots" concerning what you do with the child.
Instead of getting discouraged and withdrawing from fatherhood (as many young dads do), talk to a father who's been through this. He can share his insights and show you that it's really a common experience for new dads. Ultimately, it's best to discuss your feelings with your wife and start healthy habits that will help you through the conflicts down the road.
Frustration. Your wife is out for the evening, and it's just you and your baby. At some point, he starts crying uncontrollably. He keeps screaming for no apparent reason, every logical remedy fails, and your frustration is mounting.
Depending on your tolerance level, the tasks you hoped to accomplish, other issues on your mind, and how fatigued you feel after a long day, that frustration could drive you over the edge.
Do whatever it takes to protect your baby from dangers driven by intense emotions. Identify situations or chains of events that make you susceptible to outbursts. Learn to expect your baby's fussiness, and plan in advance how to handle it calmly.
Find ways to express the emotion harmlessly, directed away from the child. Set him in his crib for a minute while he's screaming and do sit-ups or jumping jacks to let off steam. Turn on soothing music, call a friend or pray.
It's vital that you learn to handle negative emotions. Right now, your baby's physical safety is at stake, and that's serious. But unless you learn this soon, you could develop negative patterns that, through the years, will do lifelong damage to his emotional well-being as well as your relationship with him.
Insights, Information and Training helping you become a better father
According to researchers at the University of Maryland, School of Medicine, fathers who play an active role in their child's life can help them develop better language skills and have fewer behavioral problems.
The study emphasizes that fathers don't have to live with their children to achieve this. Nor do they have to be the biological father. The study concluded that men who were "father figures" and had contact with the child at least monthly were just as likely to influence the child's chances for being well behaved and proficient in learning, speaking, and writing.
Ultimately, the research revealed that fathers who were satisfied with parenting, contributed to the family's financial income. And those who were nurturing during playtime with their kids, had children with better cognitive and language skills than children without such parental influences. Fathers who were satisfied with parenting and were employed also had children with fewer behavioral problems than those fathers who were unemployed and didn't enjoy being a parent.
RECONCILE YOUR PAST
"You can't be a father until you're first a son." Your ability to be a good father is directly influenced by your relationship with your father or by your father's absence. That fathering inheritance needs to be either embraced or resolved before you can effectively communicate with or sometimes even love your own children.
Reconciling with your father or, at least, reconciling your feelings toward him can be a complicated, painful process, but it's a necessary one. The book, THE HEART OF A FATHER.(see page 7) can help take you through that process.
BOND WITH YOUR CHILD
In the early years, involvement means changing diapers and other child care tasks; reading books together; and lots of talking, cooing, playing and exploring with your infant. Fathering may seem uncomplicated, but that allows you to focus on your most important task, forming a close bond with your child.
You want to unleash her potential, to nurture that little seed as it sprouts, grows and blossoms. Your child needs to be stimulated intellectually, challenged physically, and guided socially. You'll probably never feel the responsibility more than now, when your child is small and helpless.
A healthy reaction to this sense of responsibility is to take an active role in learning about your growing child. What is she going through? What are her mental and sensory capacities? What does she need most from you? Too many dads never figure out answers to these questions and never get involved enough to form a close bond with their babies.
Bonding is really something that happens as a wonderful by-product of just spending time together. For many men, it comes naturally, you cherish every chance you have to hold, kiss, rock, coo, touch, and sing to your baby.
Some dads don't feel that immediate closeness. After all, this is a brand new relationship, and it takes time to get used to each other. Give it time. Your bond with your child can become just as close as any other father and child.
Bonding also comes during everyday childcare, where many of us feel out of place. We can stand up to an angry boss or muster the courage to land an important client, but we grow skittish at the sight of a one-year-old in need.
Plain and simple, become comfortable with childcare tasks. Committed fathers are willing to brave screams and tears, messy faces and, yes, even "blowout" diapers. Dive right in, make mistakes, learn from experience, and gain confidence for the next time.
A healthy bond will give your baby great security now, but will translate into much more tangible benefits later in life.
ESTABLISH A SUPPORT TEAM
You need people who are dedicated to you and your children, who are ready to offer assistance when you need it. Your primary "teammate" is your wife. With her parenting knowledge, her complimentary perspective, and her womanly comfort, she'll be your most valuable asset throughout your life as a dad. And remember, that right now she may need your support more than you need hers.
You'll also benefit from meeting with other fathers to compare notes about the issues you're facing. Even if you don't have all the answers yet, it helps to know you're not alone in this.
Action Points
Go through your entire house to make sure it's baby-safe.
Talk to your dad or another older father about what it was like when he first became a father.
Talk with your wife about her expectations of you as a father.
Practice saying to your child: "I love you."
Start a fathering journal of your joys, challenges and other memories you want to capture during these early years. Identify a sitter that you and your wife both trust, then plan regular "date nights" together.
Buy and read a book on child development. Play with your child every day. Regularly talk to your wife about your child's intellectual, physical and emotional development.
BE PATIENT
Fathering an infant involves sacrifice and requires patience. There are 2:00 am feedings. There will be occasions when your child is ill but can't tell you where it hurts. You'll need patience when it comes to sex with your wife, who likely is the most exhausted and the least responsive she'll ever be. You'll be asked to change or put on hold some of the things you have enjoyed in the past: eight hours of sleep, timely arrivals, spending money on yourself, fulfilling certain dreams. Patience is crucial because your child moves at a different pace and operates on a different level than you do. Kids are going to slow you down. Packing for just a trip across town is now a prolonged procedure.
With patience you can make these sacrifices, but it's more than a quiet resignation that you have to because of your new responsibilities. Patience is vital in any situation where two people must learn to mesh together their personalities, schedules and priorities. In other words, this is the character quality that facilitates bonding. Through patience, you are laying the groundwork for a lifetime of intimacy with your kids. This article was adapted from Forming a Lifelong Bond, the first of a series of books by Ken Canfield which covers the six stages of the Fathering Life Course.
PREPARE FOR THE COST
There are time and energy costs involved in raising a child, but more urgently, having a child brings additional financial expenses. Since the mother will take maternity leave and perhaps stay home indefinitely, the brunt of those expenses often falls on the father.
Beyond paying the immediate bills, take time to do some financial planning. Maybe you'll start saving for your child's education; maybe you've never looked seriously into life insurance, and now you feel the importance of providing for your family if something should happen to you; maybe you'll need to do nothing more than re-evaluate your budget and spending habits to factor in the added expenses.
Now is an important time to discuss financial and career aspirations with your wife. How much of a priority is your career? Will you sacrifice time at home to advance in the workplace? Would you consider turning down a promotion or transfer to protect your time with your children?
A Healthy Family Starts with Dad
Don't Miss The Memories
Dad and Ashley
Dad, Jahi and Grace
Proverbs 22:6: "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Dad and Domonique
Dad and Jacqe
Dad and Grace the baby in the family
Young Father
Author's Points and Views
Listen To Your Teens
During the teen years, our children are transforming and searching for their identities while trying to be socially accepted. This, in itself, can bring about a great deal of peer pressure.
Identifying with one's self, combined with dealing with peer pressure can be quite
overwhelming for our teens. Parents are often informed of this peer pressure when it is too late. By keeping the lines of communication open, parents can make it easy for teens to discuss issues with their social life, such as problems with friends, peer pressure, school, and neighborhood involvement.
If an open relationship with your teen has been established, initiating a conversation should be relatively simple. Simply stated, "If you don't ask, they won't tell". After initiating a conversation parents should stop talking and simply listen -- listening closely to every word that your teens says without interruptions.
When they are done talking, let them know that you would like to respond to some of the things that have been saying. By now, your teen is anxiously awaiting your advice and support. This has been my experience when dealing with my teens.
Author's Points and Views
Your Teens Still Need You
As parents we cannot wait until our kids get old enough to care for themselves. When the age comes whereas they are old enough, we tend to detach ourselves from them because we feel that they are capable of caring for themselves; however, experiences have shown us that they
are not yet capable of completing the task placed before them. We are often deceived by their physical size without taking into consideration their age and maturity level before deciding if they are capable or even responsible enough to handle life situations.
Responsibilities should not be placed on teens on the basis of their size or age; they should be given once the teen has proven to be emotionally stable. Our teens need us in their teenage years, so continue to be there for them. Once your child has become a teenager, do not think that he or she does not need you anymore. They do!!
Being a parent of six teenagers, I have learned that you have to put your parenting skills and other skills in high gear to keep up with the teens of today. Through my parenting skills, I have been able to keep my teens in school, off and better yet, aware of the dangers of drugs, out of gangs, out of jail, without teen pregnancies, and accepted into college. The first and most important skill that a parent must possess is the ability to punish the child for any wrong doings. One must believe that if you spare the belt, then you do spoil the child. There are people who disagree with corporal punishment, but if God said it, then do it. Proverbs 23: 13, 14 tells us not to withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the belt, he will not die and that if we punish him with the belt and we save his soul from hell. As stated in Proverbs 22: 15; every child has in his heart to do wrong, but the rod of correction will drive the thought far from him.
Often a child needs a reminder of actions that will be taken against him or her for things done against the will of their parents. These reminders can be as simple as being disciplined for disobeying their parents. Only the rod of correction (the belt) will have your child pausing and thinking about the consequence that he or she will have to face. My belief is that children often get into trouble because there are no consequences associated with their actions. When a child does something wrong, there should always be consequences. The taking away of their privileges and punishment should be enforced regardless of the severity of the situation. Although this taking privileges and enforcing punishment has proven to quite effective, it should not be the primary means of discipline. Eventually, this tactic will not work because children will soon realize that it will only be a matter of time before the privileges are given back to them.
Using the rod of correction has proven to be a good method of discipline because children usually fear the impact that the rod will have upon them. It will cause them to think twice the next time that they want to get into trouble. Don't get me wrong, this is not a plea to abuse your children; this is just a plea to get parents to realize that sparing the rod is causing great harm to the child. There are many ways to discipline your child while showing love and affection. As a parent, you should never discipline your child while you are angry. Children will sense that you are angry and will feel that you are disciplining them because you are angry and not because of their actions.
When I am faced with disciplining my child while being angry, I usually tell them that because I am angry, that I will discipline them later. This method allows my children to know that at the moment of discipline, they are being disciplined because of their action and not because of my anger. Prior to disciplining my children, they are always lectured on the reason why they are being disciplined and I let them know that I do love them. Simply stated, to discipline your children, is to express love for them and their well being.
